Friday Funnies

[Beach Runner]

First post...sorry it's so long, but worth it

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

You forgot the most important step! After a woman unrobes, she backs into the shower to avoid having her husband see the inevitable cellulite (regardless of weight and working out) on her backside. I thought I was the only one with this move until a friend happened to share her secret with me.

 

[Sandie]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl
in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four
little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really? And what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jacka$$ to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

 

[kathydwells]

Here is a few! 8/19/2005


Al, Bill & Hillary go to Heaven.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve and I've come to understand that
now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."
__________________________________

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll though
both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.

Then the lady reach into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied "Well now,
you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

___________________________________

And Finally

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

"Ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh%$ in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh%$."


"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[ktmeadows]

Male or Female


You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you?? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

 

[kathydwells]

Male or Female


You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you?? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

:clap_1: :clap_1: :clap_1:

 

[CastlesOfSand]

Thanks guys!! Love the Friday Funnies! :clap_1: